Sunday, December 31, 2017

You Can’t Find The Fighter, But I See It In You So We Gonna Walk It Out

The title of this post was taken from the song Rise Up by Andra Day.

     As I'm sitting here typing this Sebastian is sleeping after slurping down dinner, he had his wisdom teeth removed last week. Mason is playing zombie cat with Blake. I don't even know where they come up with this stuff, but I love that my 11 year old is playing with the almost 3 year old. Jaxon is sick and sitting next to me watching cartoons. Tyler is at the store with John. I'm just taking it all in and reflecting on the year.
     2017 - We've had our ups and downs. It's been a year of struggle mixed with moments of enlightenment. Things came to a turning point for me the day before Thanksgiving. We were all out of school for break and I had a pretty bad panic attack. I was at home with the kids and it kind of came out of nowhere. I don't like to talk about my anxiety. In our society there is such a stigma around the discussion of mental health and those that suffer from it. My anxiety is a part of who I am and I'm able to function with it, but the potential for having more peace in my life is great and that's what I'm working on. Anyway, I had been looking for a therapist for about a month and just hadn't gotten up the courage to call one. That day I did. Honestly, it was the day before Thanksgiving and I really didn't think anyone would answer the phone. Imagine my surprise when not only did someone answer but they had an appointment open for later that afternoon. I forced myself to go. It was the single best thing I've done for myself this year. I saw a therapist after Mike passed away, but I don't think we were a good fit and so I was skeptical about this one. The doctor I found is freaking amazing. I'm still dealing with my grief over losing Mike along with the generalized anxiety that developed after he passed. So, I'm seeing my therapist regularly as part of my self care routine. This alone has given me the courage to work on other parts of my life. I've started meditating each morning. A dear friend had been telling me about how it has helped her stay centered, but I didn't get it until recently. Now it's just a part of my daily routine. I'm ending this year on a very good note full of hope and plans for a wonderful new year.
     2018 - I'm not making new years resolutions this year. Instead I'm focusing on habits I've already started and adding new ones as I feel I'm ready. My focus word for this coming year is Present. I want to live more in the present and not worry about the past or the future. Sebastian will graduate and go on to college this year and while I need to plan and make arrangements I want to enjoy it and live in the moment. I'll continue building on self care even when it's boring self care. I have long term goals for myself, but now I'm focusing on the steps that will get me there and not changing everything all at once.
     Tonight we ring in the new year without any fan fare. Just my small family doing what we do. I'm wishing all my friends and family the very best in the coming year. 

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