Wednesday, May 15, 2019

Peace Will Win and Fear Will Lose

The title of this post was taken from the song Car Radio by Twenty-One Pilots.

     I sit in a dark and quiet conference room. I’m ten minutes early for my meeting and no one is here yet. The lights are off and it’s raining outside. I take a moment to just be present. Just breathe. I hear the air conditioner click on and push air through vents causing them to vibrate. The quiet chatter of the office staff adds background music to the otherwise serene atmosphere. My thoughts drift to the changes that are quickly approaching in my life. Sebastian graduated with his associates degree and will be attending JMU. Tyler has her driver’s license and wants to buy a car. This fall will mean moving bedrooms around and reorganizing my current normal. Change is so hard for me. I like knowing what is going to happen next and what life is going to look like. The stress of the unknown keeps me up at night.

A conversation from earlier today:

“Mrs. M? What’s wrong with you today?” Asks a student of mine.

“I’m okay. Just tired. I haven’t been sleeping well.”

“Did you try closing your eyes?”

The simplicity of his answer made me smile.

     I wake up at night thinking about all the things I need to do for the upcoming day or week, and then I worry about the changes that I have no control over.

     I watch the rain fall outside the conference room window. We’ve had so much rain this year that I haven’t appreciated it. I miss the old house when I would open the front door, sit on the couch, and watch the rain as it created a rhythmic melody that would immediately calm my raging insides.

    A flick of a switch and suddenly the conference room is shroud in harsh florescent light. I squint my eyes and look away. The moment is gone and the rush of my day has caught up to me. Maybe another day I’ll find somewhere to hide for just a moment.

Saturday, April 13, 2019

All These Voices In My Head Get Loud

The title of this post was taken from the song Let you Down by NF.

"That Feeling When You're Not Necessarily Sad, But You Just Feel Really Empty."

     I have no idea who this quote is by but it perfectly describes how I'm feeling today. There have been some moments of intense anxiety today.  I took Mason, Jaxon, and Blake to a little bookstore in Lexington. It's a quaint little place filled with books from floor to ceiling. The littles just wanted to run through the maze of books, but Mason methodically looked through them until he found several he wanted. 

Jaxon and Blake


     Tomorrow is the 14th. I don't want to be home tomorrow. I want to get in my car and just drive until I feel better. I know I can't out run what I'm feeling, but I want to try. 

Thursday, April 11, 2019

Wasted On Fixing All The Problems That You Made In Your Own Head

The title of this post was taken from the song Little Lion Man by Mumford and Sons.

My Dearest Mike,
      April 14, 2011. It's almost been eight years. Eight years since I walked up our stairs that last night and turned around as you told me you loved me. Eight years since I came home from work, a pit in my stomach because I already knew something was terribly wrong, and found you in our bed the way I left you that morning. Eight years since everything in my world forever changed. Eight years. The grief, the pain, the soul crushing weight is still here. I still have moments of absolute despair. There are nights that I cry myself to sleep. I've carved out a charming life for myself, but my heart breaks when you aren't here to share these hauntingly beautiful and mad moments. 
        Our three beautiful angels are growing up and have changed so much over the last eight years. Our children have insanely exquisite personalities. I love them fiercely. You would be so proud of them. Even at their worst I know how lucky I am to call them mine. Sebastian will be 20 this year, Tyler will be 18 and Mason 13. How is that even possible?! They were 11, 9 and 4 when you died. I can't think about the all the years they lost with you because I'll go down the rabbit hole of emotions and tonight I don't want to take that journey.

October 2011

October 2018

          Life keeps moving on. Everyday I work hard to find the joy in this journey that has become my own. There are always small reminders of you though. I was looking at pictures of you from high school the other day and seeing your hands brought back a flood of memories. I can remember perfectly what your hand looked like as you held a pencil to draw. I distinctly remember the way you cracked your knuckles and played air drums on your steering wheel. It was an overwhelming moment of images and moments. My grief is never far below the surface. I miss you. What I wouldn't give to hear you tell me it was all okay and that you were proud of all that I've done and become. This week is always extremely difficult, watch over us. We love you dearly. You are always in our conversations and never far from our hearts.

                                                            Love Always and Forever,