Wednesday, May 15, 2019

Peace Will Win and Fear Will Lose

The title of this post was taken from the song Car Radio by Twenty-One Pilots.

     I sit in a dark and quiet conference room. I’m ten minutes early for my meeting and no one is here yet. The lights are off and it’s raining outside. I take a moment to just be present. Just breathe. I hear the air conditioner click on and push air through vents causing them to vibrate. The quiet chatter of the office staff adds background music to the otherwise serene atmosphere. My thoughts drift to the changes that are quickly approaching in my life. Sebastian graduated with his associates degree and will be attending JMU. Tyler has her driver’s license and wants to buy a car. This fall will mean moving bedrooms around and reorganizing my current normal. Change is so hard for me. I like knowing what is going to happen next and what life is going to look like. The stress of the unknown keeps me up at night.

A conversation from earlier today:

“Mrs. M? What’s wrong with you today?” Asks a student of mine.

“I’m okay. Just tired. I haven’t been sleeping well.”

“Did you try closing your eyes?”

The simplicity of his answer made me smile.

     I wake up at night thinking about all the things I need to do for the upcoming day or week, and then I worry about the changes that I have no control over.

     I watch the rain fall outside the conference room window. We’ve had so much rain this year that I haven’t appreciated it. I miss the old house when I would open the front door, sit on the couch, and watch the rain as it created a rhythmic melody that would immediately calm my raging insides.

    A flick of a switch and suddenly the conference room is shroud in harsh florescent light. I squint my eyes and look away. The moment is gone and the rush of my day has caught up to me. Maybe another day I’ll find somewhere to hide for just a moment.


beth said...

Oh my lovely, you definately need to take those moments no matter how fleeting. Be kind to yourself during the transition. I have had many waking nights now that James is staying at his dad's to be close to work. It hurts my heart to be away from him, yet I know it has to be. My house is quiet, you have a few more years before that happens. But I also know this years will fly by.

Karmatux said...

Have you all to find a moment of peace amidst the chaos. I love to sit and watch storms. They tend to take over and be the show and we get to sit back and just enjoy watching the majesty of the elements. Thank you for painting such a beautiful picture.